How much of feeling alone is genuine?
As a young female one of the first questions I get asked is “any cute boys down in socal” and I smile to suppress a grimace which may otherwise lead to a rant and I normally reply with a “oh yes so many! They’re just crawling on the beaches” and laugh it off.
And yes there are cute boys. There are ones that sit by me in the lecture halls even when there are several other seats, ones who ask me what time my shift is over at work, ones who smile as they walk by. Sometimes it’s flattering. Sometimes I smile back. Sometimes I hate that I say yes when they ask me to dance even though I don’t want to dance but hey what else am I going to do at a party besides watch my drunken friend make out on the dance floor.
And that pisses me off. That I don’t like to be seen as unwanted, which yes most people don’t. Humans seek companionship. In an age where you receive rewards through a popup that tells you somebody ‘liked’, commented, or retweeted you, we gauge our worth with popularity.
But how much of that is based on a genuinely occurring, human trait as opposed to a culture which specifically condemns single women and pities them for being alone?
Today at lunch I had a fellow intern admit she disliked the animated film Brave because the female lead didn’t have a romantic interest and ‘live happily ever after.’ Part of me wanted to immediately yell
DON’T YOU SEE THAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM THAT WE ALREADY THINK THE BEST THING IN OUR LIVES IS MARRIAGE. THATS THE PATRIARCHY,
and the part that replied (luckily) said I know what you mean. After she wins, then what? She gets to be happy by herself? Forever?
Who’s going to bring her flowers or make her breakfast, who will tell her she is beautiful or take care of her when she is sick? Who will she watch bad movies with or whisper secrets in the dark to? Will her experiences however wonderful or terrible be valuable if they cannot be shared? Can she truly be happy, alone.
And I hear it in my head, I hear it in my heart.
The dull echo that says no. Not you.
Perhaps other fiercely independent women, but not you.
You need to connect with someone. There is too much inside you for it to collapse into itself, a black hole that will swallow the thoughts you would otherwise share, the pain that can dissipate with a greater surface area. You want it and in fact you seek it.